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Now, six years later – I am 21 years old. And I think, inside of me, that I will not be returning to Perth. And I’m all well, just tired. There’s no other word for it really.

Perth has offered me so many opportunities I never would have had in Singapore. In many ways, Singapore judges you by what you have done in the past. “Which school did you go to? What did you get? What scholarships have you won?” Perth on the other hand offers you the chance to be someone based on what you are, at the moment and what you are willing to put in. Not saying that it is any easy task of course, but a totally different experience for someone who has been used to a merit-based rigid education system since birth.

I confessed that I had been thinking of Journalism as a career to my mother. Surprisingly, she didn’t totally flip out. But that isn’t saying much. I think I will still be awaiting my results with bated breath. I know that I am still waiting for this to turn ugly. =/ But I digress.

I suppose, as I write this post several hundred feet in the air, I’m remembering the special times in these past 6 years.

High school. Berets, omg the awesome uniform. Being in choir, and random socials and the Year 12 ball. Always being told off in Physics for talking way too much with Ying Jess and Liz. Chemistry with Miss Dee Haughton. Being Ms. Robey’s pet in English and delighting at having my essays photocopied for the rest of the class every 2nd week (lmao). House meetings with Melina and Amy and Ashta. I miss those days of carefree innocence. Hours on the phone with Jess, spent obsessing over nothing and discussing the most randomest crap. Time spent over at the boarding house and having fun with Ying and Amy and Novita.

And then came uni.

1st year. Dissecting pigs during FAHB labs (I will never ever forget the smell of formaldehyde). Lunch at the Ref with an awesome group of friends. I will always remember all the fun times with you guys – Chelle, Flick, Tiff, Ed, Joe, Anthony as was the original group. RURAL WEEK!!!!!! Living in college – The St Calls ball, running around Matilda Bay and down Broadway at 4 in the morning with Luke Gordon and Chelle. Nightly coffee runs. Playing water poker at 5am in the morning. How do I condense all these memories into a paragraph?

And then came 2nd year, the year of partying and working hard. Stressing about OpTech practical results, bitching about every single thing in dental school, still wishing I was living in College. Sometimes feeling like I was all alone.

3rd year! We were all worried about starting with patients. In the end, it didn’t turn out so bad, did it? Jake <3. Without you I would have had so much trouble getting through this year, especially at the start of the year and all the shit that happened. You believed in me, kept me laughing (at you especially, but no I didn’t mean to laugh at you when you lost so much money at the casino, I swear…). Running around the city before gen med each Wednesday arvo. Both of us playing (and failing at) DDR. Bubble Tea at night. And Reverse Bunjee and Waterskiing in Singapore! And of course, picking up 31 year old chicks @ clubbing *snicker*. Thanks for everything.

And this post wouldn’t really be complete if I didn’t mention Jason. Yeah, despite how it ended, the 3 years spent together was special and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. We had our ups and downs, sometimes it was hard but you were there to support me and pull me through things when sometimes I felt like I just had enough and just felt like giving up. I remember how we first met, in the OHCWA elevator, with Mike. And you ringing me after Freshers. That disastrous dinner at Viet Hoa. And walking back from the Shenton train station. LOL. Omg, I even remembered walking to the city from St. Cats. So many special moments, and when it comes down to it, I will miss you. All of you.

And this I guess is the end of my post. Wishing the best of luck to you reading this post. May you always follow your heart where it leads you. Chase your dreams, and live your life the way you want to. Life’s too short to be stuck doing a job you hate. Yes, I will not deny that money makes the world go round. Money is essential, there’s no debating that. However, do not let that dictate your life. One person’s life should be defined by more than how big their house is, how fast the car they drive or what country clubs they belong to. You may think I’m idealistic and hypocritical as it is undeniable that I do enjoy my luxuries and creature comforts. And that this is just a rich kid’s delusion, that normal people are unable to do what they want to survive in this world. Maybe that is true. But, until one tries and sees the results, you will always be plagued by doubts in the future. At the end of the day, when you are 60 and sitting on your chair, reflecting upon your life, what do you want to say?

Would you want to say, I’m rich, and my children’s futures are secure, but I never really enjoyed any part of my life. What if I had done what I wanted, and become a journalist? Or would you want to say, Maybe my children are not rich, but I provided them with a strong foundation to find out what they really want to do with their life, by setting myself up as an example. I enjoyed what I did, and I led a rich life? Sometimes, riches are not measured in monetary wealth, but the way you led your life and how you will be remembered for it.

As I write this, I am a tad bit inebriated. On a whiskey and diet cola, I know, pathetic isn’t it? However, I have never proclaimed to be a proficient drinker, and I suppose that losing some of my inhibitions will ensure that this post is more honest (if it even makes sense). I was listening to a song today on the plane, and the lyrics really hit home. “Oh, look what you’ve done/ You’ve made a fool out of everyone./ Oh, it seems like such fun/until you lose what you have won…“. And, I think to myself, what have I done? Who am I fooling, by being here?

I have somehow managed to pull a woolen blanket over my eyes, for the past 2 years. Not only that, I’ve wasted the time and money my parents have invested into me. Some may even say that I have wasted the past 7 years of my life. I did amazingly well in high school, not to brag. I truly enjoyed what I was learning with respect to English, Advanced Calculus, Applic Math, Chemistry and Physics. The fact that Economics was not a subject I particularly enjoyed was also reflected by my final scores. But that is the main point I am driving home – I enjoyed what I was doing, and I did well in them. Still, what is/was the point of being the top 0.7% of the state, when it has brought me to this stage?

I guess now, I really face a dilemma. Fate was throwing so many signals at me last year, I must have been blind not to see it. While I did enjoy certain aspects of Dentistry, do I really see myself in this profession, 30 – 40 years down the line? First and Second year were honeymoon years, and in no way prepared me for the actual reality of Dentistry. Anatomy, Physiology, sure, yes. But, actually doing Dental work, day in day out… not to be melodramatic, but I could see myself having a fucking breakdown, or just deciding not to practice after a couple of years. Is that the kind of Dentist I would want to be, one who is just going through the motions day in day out, in order to eke out a living? I think not.

Still, I do not know what to tell my parents. I already know what the outcome of this year will be.

Also, I guess I have a couple of regrets. For not truly taking the time to think, is this what I want to do? I’m so used to trying to please people, and living my life according to other peoples’ expectations. In such circumstances, is it not surprising to burn out when I am not doing something I truly enjoy? In the end, it is stupid. Not only have I disappointed myself, I will end up disappointing my parents so badly at the end of this year. I don’t even know whether they will consider giving me the chance to further my education in journalism considering my high school results are technically no longer valid.

What do I do? The future is such a mess. People will say, you’re only 21, you’re still young. But, fucking hell, I need to grow up. I’m no longer a kid that can just muck around, do what she wants and squander her parents’ money, or take things for granted. Sometimes, my lack of motivation and laziness disgusts me. Do I rest on my laurels, and expect things to be provided for me? Yes, the legacy of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth I suppose. Things will have to change however. Life is unexpected, and bends in the road occur.

For now, I will strongly have to consider what my dreams and goals are, and stick to it.

Still, things are easier said than done. I expect there to be a rude awakening at the end of this year, and I am not particularly looking forward to it. In the end, I have made my bed and now I must lie in it. But, it will not be a restful sleep, nor an easy one.

SO basically this week my schedule will be a rly boring one
9am Wake up breakfast COFFEE pack up stuff Go To Library
10am Get to library studystudystudy STUDY somemore studystudystudy moan about not having an ipod
5pm Break, DRIVE HOME vroom vroom vroom showertime (wheeeeee) grab Dinner drive back to Library
6pm Studystudytime
10.30pm Drive home (sweet home)
11pm COffEEtiME <3 & procrastinationtime
1am STUDYSTUDY :(
2am SWEET DREAMZ

OMG what a boring week ahead >.> but yeah, unless I can be otherwise motivated to post other posts this will be it for awhile.

We’re going down,
And you can see it too.
We’re going down,
And you know that we’re doomed.
My dear,
We’re slow dancing in a burning room.

Sometimes you  just have to do the hard thing I suppose. Not everything lasts forever, and we have to remember that no matter how much hardship we go through in our life, there is always going to be that fragile place in our heart even if we no longer think it exists.

~